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No More Mr. Nice Guy

No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Anyone who actually listens to other perspectives, who actually takes the trouble to genuinely find out why, for example, they are so frustrated in relationships, will find a dozen female voices explaining that “someone who believes himself to possess genuine ‘nice guy’ characteristics…actually may not. Even though (as we’ll see) he never really explains what childhood environment, for example, makes any other kind of man, or what a different kind of man even would be apart from one who strives to become an “ex” Nice Guy, let’s assume he just forgot to cover those things in this book. Glover likewise repeatedly asserts a vague gender essentialism, that boys will be boys and are born a certain way that women are keeping them from, which is as unscientific as it gets. In other words, fallacious reasoning is easy to get to, yet will kill you less often than delay and indecision.

These recommendations conform to a general rule I advise following as much as you can: do not rely on any author who isn’t an actual expert specializing in a pertinent field, discussing actual empirical science or findings in the subject; or an author who is competently conveying what such men and women have written. A man’s propensity to hide things about himself, for example, may have entirely different causes that don’t even connect to their childhood at all; broader issues of adult gender culture can be to blame, or even just universal human consequence-avoidance behavior.Trying to become what you believe others want you to be can be a product of selfishness, laziness, insufficient personal development as an adult, being on the antisocial personality spectrum, or any of a dozen other things. A problem I encountered twice: When I needed CBT, it proved nearly impossible to find the right therapist. The effect is an anemic supply of therapists, far below demand, most of which consumed by hacks, quacks, and sub-par professionals. And yes, Glover does a valuable job explaining the difference between genuine caring, and enacting “caring” behaviors for selfish reasons. Her book is extensively based on actual science, and provides science-based guidelines adaptable to pursuing and achieving any life goal, the pursuit of which will inevitably lead one out of any such conditions as “Nice Guy Syndrome,” should they really even exist.

A client that is doing that, clearly does have a problem in need of correcting, and the corrective may indeed be to stop associating his self-worth with his wife or girlfriend’s libido, but it does not follow that every Nice Guy is doing that, or for the same correctable reason, or that this is all that emotional validation in a relationship is about. Friendships with men have the potential for tremendous depth and intimacy because there is no sexual agenda.By taking matters into their own hands – by practicing healthy masturbation – recovering Nice Guys can change the most basic dynamics that shape the bigger picture of how they do sex. To illustrate what I mean, Glover does clearly demarcate some obviously bad characteristics of Nice Guys as he defines them, e. Which probably comes down again to money: good studies, good methods, large and genuinely randomized samples, all cost money, and no one really funds psychology (as opposed to, say, medicine, chemistry, physics, climatology—pretty much every other science).

Nice Guys just keep trying harder to get a non-workable situation to work or get someone to be something they are not. The charitably correct way to read what he means is more nuanced: that you should be respectfully open about what you need and want, and actually negotiate for it, with someone you are treating as your equal.

Moreover, one can all too easily confuse “wanting to be what others want you to be” (a form of tit-for-tat thinking; getting what you want, by acting a certain way) with genuinely wanting to be a good person and using others’ whose opinions and judgments you respect as a guide. You should see yourself as part of a team of equals; you both lead and follow, you both provide for and protect each other. His profile can be imagined to fit anyone who fits any part of it, and his causal model can sound like something true for anyone, if you simply imagine that a single instance of mistaken self-blame at any age satisfies it.



  • Fruugo ID: 258392218-563234582
  • EAN: 764486781913
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